Head Like A Hole
I know I haven’t written in a really long time and I feel that it deserves an explanation. The truth is my mind has been so preoccupied with useless garbage lately, that it has done nothing for me other than unmotivate me in every single way.
An old friend asked me recently, what my dream job was. I said, a few things come to mind, Assistant Director, Casting Director, Playboy Editor and/or Playboy Casting. Then he said, sO basically you want to contribute to the useless businesses that do nothing for the good of humanity? I said to myself, Well I never though about it that way, and it got me thinking… he’s absolutely right., I’d be just another one of those useless people, occupying our world. It wasn’t always that way though. Before all the superficial garbage filled my head, I wanted to be a writer, major in history and political science, and make a difference in the current laws. My main motivation for this was when I found out that there is no justice in cases of rape victims. Victims of rape have to pay 1,000 to have investigators test the DNA Rape kits to find their rapist. this of course fueled my anger among many other things and I became determined to do something about it, but as time went on my focus on changing the fucked up Rape kit situation has completely shifted into changing my appearance. As I started to conform more and more to “people’s standards”, I became unmindful to whats really important, and now I feel nothing but guilt and confusion. When I think of all the thousands I will spend on myself, I realize That everyday I become more like the people I despise and I really really don’t want to be one of them. I don’t want to be another waste of a human being. For the longest time I’ve forgotten my cause, my purpose of living, my true identity. All which has been buried deep under layers of superficial priorities that mean absolutely nothing.
In the end we die alone and lose everything, our looks, our houses, and our money. If this is the kind of stuff I spend my life chasing after, in the end I’ll be disappointed. Material possessions exist only on earth. So for all of you wealthy bastards that spend a lifetime building your empire. Well you can keep all that money, and when you die you will miss your money and will not want to let go. You’ll never be at peace and hence created your own hell.
As for me, my downfall is vanity. I’ve read over 300 fashion magazines in the past, played with Barbie, watched Baywatch as a kid, and am constantly bombarded by images of gorgeous women. I can’t escape it, it’s everywhere. How could I not feel inferior. These feelings are very real despite what other people tell me and reasurre me. I know that it’s the same for many other young women too. It’s just sad to see so many women exert so much time and energy for such a shallow cause. I feel powerless.
